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Chapter One: The Positive Approach
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Children used to be more submissive and obedient because their parents modelled
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those behaviours. Mum “obeyed” Dad; Dad obeyed his boss.
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Children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
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Children (these days) don’t have responsibilities; they miss out on
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opportunities to feel belonging and significance.
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Responsibilities are chances to develop skills, self-belief, and to practice
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overcoming challenges.
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Energy spent on manipulating people to take care of them could be spent becoming
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capable.">
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Children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
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Children (these days) don’t have responsibilities; they miss out on opportunities to feel belonging and significance.
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Responsibilities are chances to develop skills, self-belief, and to practice overcoming challenges.
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Energy spent on manipulating people to take care of them could be spent becoming capable.">
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Children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
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Children (these days) don’t have responsibilities; they miss out on opportunities to feel belonging and significance.
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Responsibilities are chances to develop skills, self-belief, and to practice overcoming challenges.
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Energy spent on manipulating people to take care of them could be spent becoming capable.">
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Children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
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Children (these days) don’t have responsibilities; they miss out on opportunities to feel belonging and significance.
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Responsibilities are chances to develop skills, self-belief, and to practice overcoming challenges.
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Energy spent on manipulating people to take care of them could be spent becoming capable.">
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My New Hugo Site
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Parentings
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</aside><div id="sharing" class="mt3 ananke-socials"></div>
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<h1 class="f1 athelas mt3 mb1"></h1>
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</header>
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<div class="nested-copy-line-height lh-copy serif f4 nested-links mid-gray pr4-l w-two-thirds-l"><h1 id="positive-discipline">Positive Discipline</h1>
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<h2 id="chapter-one-the-positive-approach">Chapter One: The Positive Approach</h2>
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<p>Children used to be more submissive and obedient because their parents modelled
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those behaviours. Mum “obeyed” Dad; Dad obeyed his boss.</p>
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<p>Children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.</p>
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|||
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<p>Children (these days) don’t have responsibilities; they miss out on
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opportunities to feel belonging and significance.</p>
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<p>Responsibilities are chances to develop skills, self-belief, and to practice
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overcoming challenges.</p>
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<p>Energy spent on manipulating people to take care of them could be spent becoming
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capable.</p>
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<h3 id="significant-seven-perceptions-and-skills-s7ps">Significant Seven Perceptions and Skills (S7PS)</h3>
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<ol>
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<li>Strong perceptions of personal capabilities: “I am capable.”</li>
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<li>Strong perceptions of significance in primary relationships: “I contribute in
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meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed.”</li>
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<li>Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life: “I can influence
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what happens to me.”</li>
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<li>Strong intrapersonal skills: the ability to understand personal emotions and
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to use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control.</li>
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<li>Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to work with others and develop
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friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing,
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empathizing, and listening.</li>
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<li>Strong systemic skills: the ability to respond to the limits and
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consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability,
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flexibility, and integrity.</li>
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<li>Strong judgmental skills: the ability to use wisdom and to evaluate
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situations according to appropriate values.</li>
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</ol>
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<p>Children developed these perceptions and skills naturally when they were
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allowed to work side by side with their parents, receiving on-the-job training
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while making meaningful contributions to the family lifestyle.</p>
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<p>Bad behaviours = underdevelopment in S7PS.</p>
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<table>
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<thead>
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<tr>
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<th style="text-align: left">Strict</th>
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<th style="text-align: left">Positive Discipline</th>
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<th style="text-align: left">Permissive</th>
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</tr>
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</thead>
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<tbody>
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<tr>
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<td style="text-align: left">Too controlling, order without freedom, no choice</td>
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<td style="text-align: left">Limited choices, freedom with order</td>
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<td style="text-align: left">No limits, freedom without order, any choice</td>
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</tr>
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</tbody>
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</table>
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<h3 id="the-four-rs-of-punishment">The Four R’s of Punishment</h3>
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<ol>
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<li>Resentment—“This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”</li>
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<li>Revenge—“They are winning now, but I’ll get even.”</li>
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<li>Rebellion—“I’ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their way.”</li>
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<li>Retreat:
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a. Sneakiness—“I won’t get caught next time.”
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b. Reduced self-esteem—“I am a bad person.”</li>
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</ol>
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<p>Positive discipline is not humiliating.</p>
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<h3 id="the-four-criteria-for-effective-discipline">The Four Criteria for Effective Discipline</h3>
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<ol>
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<li>Is it kind and firm at the same time? (Respectful and encouraging)</li>
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<li>Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance?
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(Connection)</li>
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<li>Is it effective long-term? (Punishment works in the short term, but has
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negative long-term results.)</li>
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<li>Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect,
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concern for others, problem solving, accountability, contribution,
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cooperation)</li>
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</ol>
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<p>When a limit is broken, don’t lecture or punish; ask what happened and what
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could be done to solve the problem?</p>
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<p>Belonging and significance are the primary goals of all people - especially
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children.</p>
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<h3 id="review-positive-discipline-tools">REVIEW: Positive Discipline Tools</h3>
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<ol>
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<li>Eliminate punishment.</li>
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<li>Eliminate permissiveness.</li>
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<li>Use kindness and firmness at the same time.</li>
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<li>Provide opportunities for children to develop strength in the Significant
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Seven Perceptions and Skills.</li>
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<li>Beware of what works (punishment has negative long-term results).</li>
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<li>Give up the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first you
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have to make them feel worse.</li>
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<li>Involve children in setting limits.</li>
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<li>Ask curiosity questions</li>
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<li>Use kind and firm phrases.</li>
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</ol>
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<h2 id="chapter-two-some-basic-concepts">Chapter Two: Some Basic Concepts</h2>
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<p>Adults much use lots of encouragement and take time for training in essential
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life skills.</p>
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<p>Children benefit by having many opportunities to feel good about themselves
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when they make a meaningful contribution in their home, school, and community.
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A sense of belonging and significance is the key.</p>
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<h3 id="four-steps-for-winning-cooperation">Four Steps for Winning Cooperation</h3>
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<ol>
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<li>Express understanding for the child’s feelings. Be sure to check with him or
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her to see if you are right.</li>
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<li>Show empathy without condoning. Empathy does not mean you agree or condone.
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It simply means that you understand the child’s perception. A nice touch here
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is to share times when you have felt or behaved similarly.</li>
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<li>Share your feelings and perceptions. If the first two steps have been done
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in a sincere and friendly manner, the child will be ready to listen to you.</li>
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<li>Invite the child to focus on a solution. Ask if he has any ideas on what to
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do in the future to avoid the problem. If he doesn’t, offer some suggestions
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until you can reach an agreement.</li>
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</ol>
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<p>Don’t set children up by asking if they’ve done something when you already know
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they’ve done it.</p>
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<h3 id="basic-adlerian-concepts">Basic Adlerian Concepts</h3>
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<ol>
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<li>Children are social beings.
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<ul>
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<li>Misbehaviour may be seen as survival behaviour
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within a social context.</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Behaviour is goal-oriented.
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<ul>
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<li>Sometimes children make counterproductive choices because they are mistaken
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about how to achieve their goals.</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>A Child’s Primary Goal Is to Belong and to Feel Significant.</li>
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<li>A Misbehaving Child Is a Discouraged Child.</li>
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<li>Social Responsibility or Community Feeling.
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<ul>
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<li>Don’t do anything for a child that they can do for themselves.</li>
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<li>Teach self-reliance so that children can help others and feel capable.</li>
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<li>Be aware of how much you’re doing for children that they could be doing for
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themselves.</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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<li>Equality.</li>
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<li>Mistakes Are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn.
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<ul>
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<li>Children need daily exposure to the value of mistakes and learning from
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them in a safe environment.</li>
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</ul>
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</li>
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</ol>
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<h3 id="the-three-rs-of-recovery-from-mistakes">The Three R’s of Recovery from Mistakes</h3>
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<ol>
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<li>Recognize - “Wow! I made a mistake.”</li>
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<li>Reconcile - “I apologize.”</li>
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<li>Resolve - “Let’s work on a solution together.”</li>
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</ol>
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<h3 id="review-positive-discipline-tools-1">REVIEW: Positive Discipline Tools</h3>
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<ol>
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<li>Win children over instead of using your power to win over children.</li>
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<li>Provide opportunities for children to develop and practice the Significant
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Seven Perceptions and Skills to increase their sense of self-worth.</li>
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<li>Stop “telling” and start “asking” in ways that invite children to
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participate in problem solving.</li>
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<li>Use the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation.</li>
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<li>Remember that the feeling behind what you do or say is more important than
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what you do or say.</li>
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<li>Involve children in brainstorming the chores that need to be done and a plan
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for doing them.</li>
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<li>Avoid pampering so children can develop a belief in their own capabilities.</li>
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<li>Teach and practice that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.</li>
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<li>Teach and practice the Three R’s of Recovery from Mistakes.</li>
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<li>Make sure the message of love gets through.</li>
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</ol>
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<h2 id="chapter-three-the-significance-of-birth-order">Chapter Three: The Significance of Birth Order</h2>
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<p>@todo</p>
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<h2 id="chapter-four-a-new-look-at-misbehaviour">Chapter Four: A New Look at Misbehaviour</h2>
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<p>Misbehaviour =</p>
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<ul>
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<li>“Discouraged behaviour”</li>
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<li>“Lack of skills behaviour”</li>
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<li>“Reptilian brain behaviour”</li>
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<li>“Age-appropriate behaviour”</li>
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</ul>
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<h3 id="the-four-mistaken-beliefs-and-mistaken-goals-of-behavior">The Four Mistaken Beliefs and Mistaken Goals of Behavior</h3>
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<ol>
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<li>Undue Attention—The mistaken belief: I belong only when I have your
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attention.</li>
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<li>Misguided Power—The mistaken belief: I belong only when I’m the boss, or at
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least when I don’t let you boss me.</li>
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<li>Revenge—The mistaken belief: I don’t belong, but at least I can hurt
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back.</li>
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<li>Assumed Inadequacy—The mistaken belief: It is impossible to belong. I give up.</li>
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</ol>
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<p>It can be very encouraging to children seeking undue attention, to redirect
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them in ways to get attention in contributing ways.</p>
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<p>Children operating from assumed Inadequacy need parents to take time to show
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them a small step.</p>
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<h3 id="clues-to-help-identify-mistaken-beliefs-and-goals">Clues to help identify mistaken beliefs and goals</h3>
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<ol>
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<li>The adult’s deeling reaction to the behaviour.</li>
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<li>The child’s response when you tell them to stop the behaviour.</li>
|
|||
|
|
</ol>
|
|||
|
|
<p>Encouragement is the most effective way to change behavior. An encouraged
|
|||
|
|
child does not need to misbehave.</p>
|
|||
|
|
<h3 id="effective-encouragement-method-for-each-mistaken-goal">Effective encouragement method for each mistaken goal</h3>
|
|||
|
|
<p>Undue attention:</p>
|
|||
|
|
<ul>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Redirect into contributing behaviour.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Do the unexpected.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Schedule in special time.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Let them know you won’t get hooked in.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Use non-verbal signals.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Avoid special service.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Reassure and show faith.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Ignore the behaviour but not the child.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Take time for training and practice.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Shut up and act.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Verbalise love and caring.</li>
|
|||
|
|
</ul>
|
|||
|
|
<p>Misguided power:</p>
|
|||
|
|
<ul>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Withdraw and cool off.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Involve children in problem solving.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Use the <strong>Four Steps for Winning Cooperation</strong>.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Redirect to constructive use of power.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Decide what you will do, not what you will try to make the child do.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Avoid reminders and lectures.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Schedule in special time.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Ask children to help create routines.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Offer limited choices.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Verbalise love and caring.</li>
|
|||
|
|
</ul>
|
|||
|
|
<p>Revenge:</p>
|
|||
|
|
<ul>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Don’t retaliate.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Remain friendly while cooling off.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Show empathy.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Share your feelings.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Reflective listening with curiosity questions.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Use the <strong>Three R’s of Recovery</strong>.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Use the <strong>Four Steps for Winning Cooperation</strong>.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Involve children in problem solving.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Show you care, encourage.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Schedule in special time.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Verbalise love and caring.</li>
|
|||
|
|
</ul>
|
|||
|
|
<p>Assumed inadequacy:</p>
|
|||
|
|
<ul>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Tak etime for training, making the steps as basic as is necessary for children
|
|||
|
|
to experience success.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Demonstrate a small step that children can duplicate.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Arrange for small successes.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Acknowledge any postive attempt.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Never expect perfection.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Focus on children’s assets.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Don’t give up.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Schedule in special time.</li>
|
|||
|
|
<li>Verbalise love and caring.</li>
|
|||
|
|
</ul>
|
|||
|
|
<ul class="pa0">
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
</ul>
|
|||
|
|
<div class="mt6 instapaper_ignoref">
|
|||
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|
|||
|
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|
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</div>
|
|||
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</div>
|
|||
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|
|||
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<aside class="w-30-l mt6-l">
|
|||
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|
|||
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|
|||
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|||
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|
|||
|
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</aside>
|
|||
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|
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</article>
|
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</main>
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<footer class="bg-black bottom-0 w-100 pa3" role="contentinfo">
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<div class="flex justify-between">
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© My New Hugo Site 2025
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</a>
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<div><div class="ananke-socials"></div>
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</div>
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</footer>
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</body>
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</html>
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