notes/docs/parenting/positive-discipline.md

# Positive Discipline

## Chapter One: The Positive Approach

Children used to be more submissive and obedient because their parents modelled
those behaviours. Mum "obeyed" Dad; Dad obeyed his boss.

Children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

Children (these days) don't have responsibilities; they miss out on
opportunities to feel belonging and significance.

Responsibilities are chances to develop skills, self-belief, and to practice
overcoming challenges.

Energy spent on manipulating people to take care of them could be spent becoming
capable.

### Significant Seven Perceptions and Skills (S7PS)

1. Strong perceptions of personal capabilities: “I am capable.”
2. Strong perceptions of significance in primary relationships: “I contribute in
   meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed.”
3. Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life: “I can influence
   what happens to me.”
4. Strong intrapersonal skills: the ability to understand personal emotions and
   to use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control.
5. Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to work with others and develop
   friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing,
   empathizing, and listening.
6. Strong systemic skills: the ability to respond to the limits and
   consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability,
   flexibility, and integrity.
7. Strong judgmental skills: the ability to use wisdom and to evaluate
   situations according to appropriate values.

Children developed these perceptions and skills naturally when they were
allowed to work side by side with their parents, receiving on-the-job training
while making meaningful contributions to the family lifestyle.

Bad behaviours = underdevelopment in S7PS.

| Strict                                            | Positive Discipline                 | Permissive                                   |
| :------------------------------------------------ | :---------------------------------- | :------------------------------------------- |
| Too controlling, order without freedom, no choice | Limited choices, freedom with order | No limits, freedom without order, any choice |

### The Four R’s of Punishment

1. Resentment—“This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
2. Revenge—“They are winning now, but I’ll get even.”
3. Rebellion—“I’ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their way.”
4. Retreat:
   a. Sneakiness—“I won’t get caught next time.”
   b. Reduced self-esteem—“I am a bad person.”

Positive discipline is not humiliating.

### The Four Criteria for Effective Discipline

1. Is it kind and firm at the same time? (Respectful and encouraging)
2. Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance?
   (Connection)
3. Is it effective long-term? (Punishment works in the short term, but has
   negative long-term results.)
4. Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect,
   concern for others, problem solving, accountability, contribution,
   cooperation)

When a limit is broken, don't lecture or punish; ask what happened and what
could be done to solve the problem?

Belonging and significance are the primary goals of all people - especially
children.

### REVIEW: Positive Discipline Tools

1. Eliminate punishment.
2. Eliminate permissiveness.
3. Use kindness and firmness at the same time.
4. Provide opportunities for children to develop strength in the Significant
   Seven Perceptions and Skills.
5. Beware of what works (punishment has negative long-term results).
6. Give up the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first you
   have to make them feel worse.
7. Involve children in setting limits.
8. Ask curiosity questions
9. Use kind and firm phrases.

## Chapter Two: Some Basic Concepts

Adults much use lots of encouragement and take time for training in essential
life skills.

Children benefit by having many opportunities to feel good about themselves
when they make a meaningful contribution in their home, school, and community.
A sense of belonging and significance is the key.

### Four Steps for Winning Cooperation

1. Express understanding for the child’s feelings. Be sure to check with him or
   her to see if you are right.
2. Show empathy without condoning. Empathy does not mean you agree or condone.
   It simply means that you understand the child’s perception. A nice touch here
   is to share times when you have felt or behaved similarly.
3. Share your feelings and perceptions. If the first two steps have been done
   in a sincere and friendly manner, the child will be ready to listen to you.
4. Invite the child to focus on a solution. Ask if he has any ideas on what to
   do in the future to avoid the problem. If he doesn’t, offer some suggestions
   until you can reach an agreement.

Don't set children up by asking if they've done something when you already know
they've done it.

### Basic Adlerian Concepts

1. Children are social beings.
   - Misbehaviour may be seen as survival behaviour
     within a social context.
2. Behaviour is goal-oriented.
   - Sometimes children make counterproductive choices because they are mistaken
     about how to achieve their goals.
3. A Child’s Primary Goal Is to Belong and to Feel Significant.
4. A Misbehaving Child Is a Discouraged Child.
5. Social Responsibility or Community Feeling.
   - Don't do anything for a child that they can do for themselves.
   - Teach self-reliance so that children can help others and feel capable.
   - Be aware of how much you're doing for children that they could be doing for
     themselves.
6. Equality.
7. Mistakes Are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn.
   - Children need daily exposure to the value of mistakes and learning from
     them in a safe environment.

### The Three R’s of Recovery from Mistakes

1.  Recognize - “Wow! I made a mistake.”
2.  Reconcile - “I apologize.”
3.  Resolve - “Let’s work on a solution together.”

### REVIEW: Positive Discipline Tools

1. Win children over instead of using your power to win over children.
2. Provide opportunities for children to develop and practice the Significant
   Seven Perceptions and Skills to increase their sense of self-worth.
3. Stop “telling” and start “asking” in ways that invite children to
   participate in problem solving.
4. Use the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation.
5. Remember that the feeling behind what you do or say is more important than
   what you do or say.
6. Involve children in brainstorming the chores that need to be done and a plan
   for doing them.
7. Avoid pampering so children can develop a belief in their own capabilities.
8. Teach and practice that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.
9. Teach and practice the Three R’s of Recovery from Mistakes.
10. Make sure the message of love gets through.

## Chapter Three: The Significance of Birth Order

@todo

## Chapter Four: A New Look at Misbehaviour

Misbehaviour =

- "Discouraged behaviour"
- "Lack of skills behaviour"
- "Reptilian brain behaviour"
- "Age-appropriate behaviour"

### The Four Mistaken Beliefs and Mistaken Goals of Behavior

1. Undue Attention—The mistaken belief: I belong only when I have your
   attention.
2. Misguided Power—The mistaken belief: I belong only when I’m the boss, or at
   least when I don’t let you boss me.
3. Revenge—The mistaken belief: I don’t belong, but at least I can hurt
   back.
4. Assumed Inadequacy—The mistaken belief: It is impossible to belong. I give up.

It can be very encouraging to children seeking undue attention, to redirect
them in ways to get attention in contributing ways.

Children operating from assumed Inadequacy need parents to take time to show
them a small step.

### Clues to help identify mistaken beliefs and goals

1. The adult's deeling reaction to the behaviour.
2. The child's response when you tell them to stop the behaviour.

Encouragement is the most effective way to change behavior. An encouraged
child does not need to misbehave.

### Effective encouragement method for each mistaken goal

Undue attention:

- Redirect into contributing behaviour.
- Do the unexpected.
- Schedule in special time.
- Let them know you won't get hooked in.
- Use non-verbal signals.
- Avoid special service.
- Reassure and show faith.
- Ignore the behaviour but not the child.
- Take time for training and practice.
- Shut up and act.
- Verbalise love and caring.

Misguided power:

- Withdraw and cool off.
- Involve children in problem solving.
- Use the **Four Steps for Winning Cooperation**.
- Redirect to constructive use of power.
- Decide what you will do, not what you will try to make the child do.
- Avoid reminders and lectures.
- Schedule in special time.
- Ask children to help create routines.
- Offer limited choices.
- Verbalise love and caring.

Revenge:

- Don't retaliate.
- Remain friendly while cooling off.
- Show empathy.
- Share your feelings.
- Reflective listening with curiosity questions.
- Use the **Three R's of Recovery**.
- Use the **Four Steps for Winning Cooperation**.
- Involve children in problem solving.
- Show you care, encourage.
- Schedule in special time.
- Verbalise love and caring.

Assumed inadequacy:

- Tak etime for training, making the steps as basic as is necessary for children
  to experience success.
- Demonstrate a small step that children can duplicate.
- Arrange for small successes.
- Acknowledge any postive attempt.
- Never expect perfection.
- Focus on children's assets.
- Don't give up.
- Schedule in special time.
- Verbalise love and caring.